If You Love Her, Let Her Go
by ChambersGirl
Summary: Wes' POV from New Year's Eve through the break-up and make-up.
1. New Year's Eve

Chapter One – New Years Eve

New Year's was a double-edged sword. On one hand, Sophie and I had a near magical and perfect evening. The other hand held the inevitable nightmare; I realized that the magic had come to an abrupt end.

The dinner cruise was fantastic. We were by no means the only people on the ship, but somehow it felt like we were the only two people on the planet. It was so intimate, so perfect. Sophie was absolutely stunning - the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Her eyes were beaming with happiness and love as we sat down for dinner, talked, and ate. Towards the end of dinner, however, Sophie began studying all of the other passengers and I sensed, for the first time that evening, a tinge of sadness emanating from her. She didn't share her thoughts with me and I didn't want to ask. I stood up from my seat, held out my hand to her, and asked her to dance with me. She soon seemed to push the sadness aside and returned to the moment as we took our places on the dance floor.

As the midnight hour grew closer, we stepped off of the dance floor and made our way out onto the deck. It was a little chilly and Sophie worried about me getting too cold. I told her not to worry, we'd be fine with being outside for a little while. She began chewing on her lip, contemplating, no doubt, trying to think of a reason to move us back into warmer temperatures. Her facial expressions made it hard for me to keep from smiling, but finally I won her over and she began to relax. The firework show began with a thundering boom and an explosion of color! I had the instant satisfaction of knowing that the show was a complete surprise to Sophie. It took no time at all for her to realize the significance of the fireworks. She turned to face me and smiled so warmly at me before brushing her lips across mine. The kiss took my breath away. _She_ took my breath away.

The cruise ended shortly after the last of the fireworks erupted. We made our way off of the boat and into the limo. Sophie melted into me, conforming to my body perfectly – it felt so right. I was made for her and she for me. The drive was quiet, but not an uncomfortable silence. Soon, the city lights faded and we pulled into the driveway of my house. The driver opened the car door and once I made my way out, I gingerly took Sophie's hand and escorted her to the front door.

I have to admit, I was nervous. I'd been alive for over one hundred years, and I had never found myself in this situation before. A girl, no a woman, coming home with me – to stay the night. It was surreal. I could sense that Sophie was a little nervous, too. At least we were good company for each other. The comfortable silence that we had in the car was replaced with awkward quiet now. Finally, Sophie spoke and broke the tension.

"Mind if I change in the study?" she asked.

"No, of course not." I said, feeling relief that she was seemed to be getting more comfortable.

I made my way to my bedroom while Sophie went to the study. As I changed from my more formal wear to my sweats and thermal, the nerves started subsiding and I actually began feeling at peace – this was right; we were right together. I couldn't help the smile that settled on my face. I had been smiling so much lately; I knew that Sophie was the reason. I loved her so much - more than life itself.

By the time I made it back to the living room, Sophie was there. She was absolutely adorable in her pajamas and t-shirt. It wasn't uncommon for me to see her in her pajamas and hair pulled up for the night, but for some reason, seeing her like this in my house was different. Again, it felt right, it felt natural.

"Are you tired?" I asked. I wasn't tired, I think I needed time to settle my mind from the night's festivities.

"No." she didn't hesitate in answering. She just looked at me and smiled.

I turned the TV on found some lingering New Year's celebrations. I sat down on the couch and Sophie immediately curled into me. She rested her head on my shoulder and I naturally wrapped my arm around her. I breathed in the scent of her hair, letting the sensation fill me.

In a voice so soft, Sophie said, "Thank you for taking me to dinner. It was great."

"Thank _you_ for coming." I said, smiling and tightening my embrace around her.

The celebrations on TV were on, but I really wasn't paying attention. I was reflecting, thinking about all of the things that had happened this past year, or more so about everything that happened since I met Sophie this past fall.

Sophie broke the silence and my thoughts, "Can I ask you something?"

"You can ask me anything."

"Will you kiss me?" she asked shyly.

I was confused. She's never had to ask me to kiss her. Was she still feeling nervous? I could sense some nerves, but they didn't seem to be too anxious.

"You don't have to _ask_ me, Sophie" I reassured her.

"No, I mean. Will you really kiss me?" she clarified. That's when the puzzle started to come together in my mind. She was letting me know that she was ready. Ready for the next step.

I placed my hand on her face, gently cupping her cheek in my palm. Slowly, I made my way to her mouth. The kiss started slow and sweet but quickly transformed into pure heated passion as I picked up on Sophie's desire. She repositioned herself so that she was pressed more firmly against me, pulling me into her. I moved my hand from her cheek and slid it into her hair, the other hand snaking around her waist. She felt so good next to my body; I wanted to get closer to her. I moved so that I was on top of her, absorbing all of the heat she was giving. Our lips were dancing in unison. Sophie let out a soft moan and with that break, I made my way to her neck. Showering as many kisses as I could along her soft skin. Her skin, it was like Heaven - so soft, so warm, so inviting. This was right.

I felt her face lift and her lips found mine once again. Our mouths were mingling while she placed her hands under my shirt. She pressed her hands into my back, urging me to be closer to her, to become one. This realization, along with the other sensations, resulted in me pulling her closer to me. I couldn't get close enough. My hand gripped at the back of her neck. My contact was only briefly interrupted when she removed my shirt, pulling it over my head. The renewed sensations were nearly overwhelming. We were both on the verge of overheating and I had to be sure she was ready for this, that she wanted it as much as I wanted her, before things continued any further.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" I breathed the question into her ear.

Sophie simply nodded and gave a whispered, "Yes."

As soon as she uttered the words, our lips and hands began working with such a hungry passion. Our kisses were intense, melting everything else away.

_My head started to hurt, it felt like things were beginning to spin and swirl out of control… Like I was losing control… I couldn't lose control… DON'T lose control!_

I kissed her neck, her collarbone, her earlobe.

_Do I dare open my eyes? My head... My eyes... Concentrate, Wes... Don't lose your focus… Stay here, stay in the moment, stay with Sophie._

I moved back down to her neck, raining kisses.

_Too much, too much… I'm losing touch… I'm losing my grasp on time… How much time has already passed? No, no, no, no, no… _

I had to focus. I closed my eyes tightly, trying to reign in my control. I tried but couldn't hide my frustration. I let out a low growl. I was losing my grasp on time. I clutched Sophie tighter and rested my head against her chest, willing and hoping her heartbeat would bring me back to the rhythm of time. I was working to regain my focus when I felt Sophie lift her head.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"I'm fine." I lied. I was embarrassed and afraid of what this turn of events might mean for us.

"No you're not. What's wrong? What did I do?"

This was wrong. I couldn't have her think she was doing anything wrong. I just needed to regain my composure. I let the beating of her heart vibrate in my ears, slowly bringing me back to the moment.

"Nothing. You didn't do anything. I'm fine, just give me a minute." I pleaded, hoping she believed me.

I felt her relax a little, but the remaining tension in her body told me that she was still mulling things over, trying to reason out my sudden behavior.

"I'm sorry. If you don't want to…"

"Sophie…" How do I explain this to her? How do I disappoint her? I buried my head into her shirt, wishing I could bury my shame, my torment. "I don't know how to stay focused. I can't."

"Oh, you mean you _can't_, actually do that?" she asked curiously.

"Yes, I can. I think anyway." I said, shaking my head. I'd never tried with anyone before. I didn't want her to think I was inadequate in more ways than one. "But that's not the problem."

"Then what is it, Wes? You're killing me with suspense." Oh, Sophie, bad choice of words. It pained me to hear her speak those words.

I sat up, trying to convey exactly what I meant.

"I have to concentrate really hard to keep my mind on pace with real time."

"Okay," I could tell she was waiting for more of an explanation.

"When I'm close to you like that, it is virtually impossible for me to keep focused."

"So what are you saying?"

"An hour together with you could feel like a second to me if I'm not careful."

"Careful?"

"If I let myself lose concentration on time, which is exactly what happens when I'm that close to you, then I would virtually lose hours of time with you." I closed my eyes, trying to push away the fears that were starting to surface.

"Don't you think it would be worth it? You might lose one thing, but you gain another." She countered.

Hmmm… definitely food for thought… What was I willing to sacrifice for Sophie? To be with Sophie? To _really_ be with Sophie?

"Being close to you feels better than you can imagine." I explained to her, being as honest as I could.

"Then what's the problem?" she asked.

"I would rather be just like this with you for hours than the other way for minutes." I said with complete sincerity in my voice.

"So, it bothers you to be close to me?"

I shook my head, I didn't want her thinking anything like that. "No. Actually, when I'm around you, I'm the calmest. It's easiest to concentrate when I'm with you, until you get me like this." I offered a smile. She had to know she drove me crazy in all the _right_ ways.

"So, does that mean we could never?" she asked, leaving the rest of her thought to dangle in the air between us.

"I don't know." I replied honestly. "But, I won't sacrifice my clarity for it. I don't want to miss a single moment of the time I have with you." Our time, _her_ time, was too precious to simply let slip by. I pulled her to me and tried to erase any self doubts she might have had. I kissed her sweetly on the forehead.

"Well, I guess we have plenty of time to work on your clarity." She said with 100% confidence.

What was I supposed to say to that? What would she say if she knew what I knew? That her time was limited? That we didn't have as much time as she thought we did. I wished I had her confidence, that I could see a future filled with endless practice sessions and opportunities.

"Speaking of time," she said, pulling me out of my thoughts, "what will happen to us as time does go by and I get _older_?"

She couldn't have picked a worse time to ask me that question, with all of the other thoughts swimming through my head. I instinctively tightened my grasp around her; I wasn't ready to let go of her yet. Sophie was different, she had to be different. This was going to work, right?

"I don't know." I said, but not even I believed it.

It wasn't too long after that that Sophie fell asleep, her head still tucked into me. My arms held her as close to me as possible. With her breathing so soft and at an almost hypnotic pace, I was swept in to deeper and, unfortunately, darker thoughts and fears.

How much time would I have left with Sophie? What was going to happen to me when she left again? Could I handle it this time? The time without her _before_ was darkness, complete darkness. If she left now, how could I go on? What would time, let alone life, be reduced to when she was taken away again? I loved Sophie with every fiber of my being. This time seemed so much more intense, so much more had been invested. She knew my secrets. She knew me, the _real_ me. And despite all of that, she wanted and loved me. How would I be able to make it without her?

If I was to walk away now, before any more time and soul was invested, would it be better? Would it make the inevitable more bearable? Was I strong enough to walk away? Could I afford not to be? I just didn't know the answers… I was at a complete loss…

I carried Sophie to my bedroom and laid her gently on the bed. I turned off any remaining lights and climbed into bed.

Soon it was just me, my tormented thoughts, fears, and darkness left to stir in the night. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw ghosts of the past. The ghosts of lost loves. I was haunted by the love and loss. What did that mean for me and Sophie?

Is the fairytale over? Did the magic spell just break?


	2. Race and Reflection

Chapter Two – The Race and Reflectin

The morning did not bring the renewed clarity. I was still as conflicted as I had been the night before.

I let Sophie sleep as late as she wanted and once I heard her begin to stir, I began making breakfast. She showered and came downstairs, smiling when she smelled the baked cinnamon and brown sugar. I sat her at the table and brought her juice followed by our favorite breakfast items: eggs, bacon, and baked grapefruit topped with cinnamon and brown sugar. The conversation was much lighter this morning than it was the previous night.

"Thank you for breakfast." She said ,leaning over and giving me a kiss on the cheek.

"It was my pleasure." I assured her.

Silence stretched before us. I looked at Sophie, trying to get a read on her. She was eating, but slowly. It looked more as though she was picking at her food, rearranging the eggs from one side of the plate to the other. The energy in the room wasn't charged with anxiety, but there was definitely something there.

"What's wrong? You don't seem like yourself this morning." I said, avoiding eye contact.

"I'm fine, really. I guess I'm still recovering from our evening last night. The cruise was fantastic and I'm just storing as many of the memories as I can. I'm sorry, I'm not much company, am I?" She said, trying to lighten the moment.

"I can completely understand. I have a lot on my mind, too."

"Anything I can help with?"

"Oh, it's nothing, really. I have a busy day today. I need to pack and make sure Curtis, Kenny, and Jimmy are prepared for the upcoming race. We'll need to leave this afternoon and I won't be back for a few days."

"I forgot about the race. I'm sure you will do fine. If Jimmy isn't up to the task, you can always pull rank and fill in for him – show all the other drivers how to _really_ race." She joked.

I smiled and then cleared the table. Sophie followed and helped me with the dishes before we both got ready and headed out.

I walked Sophie to her car, hugging and kissing her with all the tenderness and love I could muster. Why was I having such a hard time being with her this morning? Why did I feel pained to be this close to her? I gave her one more quick hug, inhaling the scent of her hair once more before turning and getting into my car.

Once on the road, I tried to occupy my mind with things that needed to get done for the race. I called Curtis on my way and found that he had already taken care of everything. All I had to do was show up and we'd immediately leave. Well, so much for taking my mind off of Sophie.

I pulled into the track to find the guys waiting anxiously for me. I parked and stepped out of my car. The guys were animated, talking and joking around. They all started walking toward me and slapped me on the back, welcoming me. They were oozing testosterone and anticipation. My mood started to lift as their energy seeped into me.

The drive to the track was just under two hours. We had a great crew; all of us had similar interests and great stories to tell. We joked and talked sports the entire way. It was a break my mind desperately needed. Traffic was light and we made it to the track just as the other teams started arriving.

We set up shop in the pit, unloading and checking our supplies. We ran through our game plan for the next day and got as much preparation and testing done as we were allowed that evening. We packed up what we needed to and made our way to the hotel for check-in. We decided to go to our rooms, clean up, and then meet in an hour for drinks and dinner at the hotel restaurant.

It felt good to get settled into the hotel room. I thought about calling Sophie to check in, but decided against it. I needed to keep my head clear. I took my shoes off and sat down for a few minutes. I could feel tension building in my shoulders so I decided to take a shower. I let the hot water settle into my muscles and wished it would remove the tension I was feeling in my head, too. I must have stayed in the shower for a half an hour, just letting the water fall over me. When I finally got out, the bathroom was completely fogged, resembling a sauna. I dressed and stayed in the bathroom as long as I could, absorbing all the heat I could.

My watch alarm sounded, reminding me about dinner. I made my way downstairs and found the guys gathered in the bar. I joined them, looking forward to more light hearted jokes and stories. Little did I know that the evening would be taking a turn for more serious topics of conversation.

Jimmy was almost bursting at the seams. He was going to propose to his girlfriend of four years. He was young, only twenty-two, but said he had known from their first date that they'd be spending the rest of their lives together. At this news, congratulations and cheers erupted. That seemed to open the floodgates for Kenny and Curtis to share their stories. Curtis said he and his wife had been happily married for nearly twenty-three years and had a couple of daughters and one son. Kenny, on the other hand, had been married only nine years and he and his wife didn't have any children, opting to travel and spoil their nieces and nephews, instead. With that information shared, they all looked to me.

"So, Wes, how's Sophie these days? You haven't brought her back to the track. Are you afraid we might rub off on her?" Jimmy asked, hitting me on the back.

"Yeah, Wes, we promise not to corrupt her _too_ much." Kenny chimed in.

"Ah, guys, leave Wes alone. I'm sure he just doesn't want us embarrassing him too much with the track tales we could tell her." Curtis laughed.

"No, no, no. There aren't any tales to tell, I'm no track dare devil." I said with mocked innocence. "Sophie's good, we're doing good." I said, trying to quickly put their questions to rest. It didn't work, though.

"Come on, Wes. 'Good' is so generic. 'Good' makes it sound like you're being tortured but are too nice to say anything else. You've got to give us a little more than just 'Good'." Curtis prodded.

"Okay. Well, Sophie is great, she really is. We get along extremely well, and we have a lot of fun together. I'm not sure when she'll be back at the track. We are going through a little bit of a rough spot right now, so we'll just need to wait and see how it pans out." It sounded like I was trying to prepare them for a breakup, but trying to keep their opinions of her good. It made me feel awkward.

They picked up on my unease and changed the subject, thankfully, to tomorrow's competition. The rest of dinner flew by and we decided to call it a night around 10:00pm. We all needed to make sure we got enough sleep so that we'd be on our "A" game for the qualifying race in the morning.

We made our way to the elevators. Kenny and Jimmy were on the 11th floor and Curtis and I were on the 12th. The elevator made the stop on Kenny and Jimmy's floor and as soon as they were out of the elevator, Curtis turned to me with obvious concern in his eyes.

"Wes, son, I can tell that you have some pretty serious thoughts going through your head right now about Sophie. I've got to tell you, though, seeing you with her that day and then witnessing her effect on you during the time you've been together – I'm thinking she is good for you." He placed his hand on my shoulder.

The elevator doors opened to our floor, we stepped out and started walking before he continued again, "I was in your same predicament when I was your age. I had it bad for a girl and I just started to get scared because we were moving in a direction I didn't think I could handle. But you know what? I decided to weigh my options, tried to see what life with her either was or _could_ be and what life would be without her. And at the end of the day, I realized it was just me being afraid of failing her, thinking that she could do better than me. It was at that point that I realized just how much I loved that girl. And now, that girl and I have been married for twenty-three years, we have four beautiful kids, and we have memories that I wouldn't trade for anything on this Earth." He paused, giving me a fatherly nod and smile before patting my back.

"Just think about it. Think about what life is like with her and what your life would be without her. What would be best for you? What is it that you're really afraid of? Heck, maybe you should make a list like I did." He laughed like he was remembering his own list. "You're a smart guy, you'll make the right decision."

"Thanks, Curtis. You have no idea how much I needed to hear that." I told him.

He just smiled and wished me a good night before making his way to his room.

I walked to my room in a trance. I unlocked and opened the door and just collapsed on the bed. My head was reeling. Curtis' thoughts were ringing in my ears – "think about what life is like with her and what your life would be without her," "what is it you're really afraid of?" Those questions were exactly what I'd been trying to avoid. I knew, though, that I couldn't run from them forever. I needed to do exactly what Curtis suggested.

I thought about what life is like with her, first. She made life bearable. No, she made life more than bearable. She was my life. Every smile, every laugh made my heart beat faster. I lived for those moments. I marveled at her kindness and her trust in me. She was unparalleled in understanding; who else would have accepted me for what I really was? My love for her was soul deep, that was not the question or even the issue.

The question was: could I live without her? Could I bear to lose her again? I thought about Amelia and Lenny. I tried not to think about either of them at all, but I just couldn't help it right now. With Amelia, it was love at first sight, I know it was. And what time did I have with her? Not enough and definitely nothing recognizable. I was too busy being in pain and trying to fight losing my mind. I lost her too soon. I never had the chance to tell her what she meant to me, what she was to me. The time without Amelia was dark. I yearned for her, my soul yearned for her. I thought I was lost until I saw Lenny. What were the odds that I would have found Lenny? I found her just when I had given up. My hopes for any sort of life, let alone love, were completely lost before I saw Lenny. The instant I saw her, I was filled with the desire to live once again. I thought, for certain, fate was giving me a second chance, that this time, things would be right. But again, Lenny was ripped from my life all too soon. My time with her seemed to pass in mere seconds. It's true that Lenny and I had an instant connection, just like I had with Amelia, but time did not afford us the time I craved– to show Lenny how much I loved her. She was torn from me.

This led to my meeting Sophie. Again, Sophie literally crashed into me when I needed her the most, when I was slowly sinking to the bottom of my lonely abyss. My soul knew her immediately. My entire being was compelled to know her, to see her again. What did that mean? Why would fate keep giving me this love only to strip it from me too soon? Would Sophie be destined for the same outcome as Amelia and Lenny? Sophie was the first to really know me, to understand every part of who I was. I learned from my past mistakes and spent every moment I could with Sophie. Was it enough? Maybe it was too much. With everything she and I had learned about each other, let alone experienced, what would that mean when she was gone? Could I risk staying so close to her? Could I risk becoming even closer than I already was to her? What would more time with Sophie do to me in the end? How could I endure life when _she_ was taken away from me?

That final question decided things for me. That's what the conversation with Sophie started to lead to last night and where my thoughts carried me today. Curtis was right, thinking things out and realizing what my life would be like without her had made my mind up. As much pain as the thought of being without Sophie now brought me, I knew it was only a fraction of the pain that would be inflicted if I let things continue only to lose her when I needed and loved her the most. I needed to protect myself from the hell that would follow Sophie's absence. At least me leaving her now would be better than fate stealing her from me later. Right?


	3. The End

Chapter Three – The End

I tried to keep my attention on the race the next day. Watching the events from the box seats was too quiet, I needed the noise from the track to completely distract me. I was finally able to make my way to the pit after the qualifying race was over. Our team was fueled by adrenaline, but their enthusiasm and energy was not as contagious as it had been the day before. I just couldn't put myself in the moment.

I waited for the race to end – we'd placed fourth, really not bad. The team was making plans to celebrate the overall placing. I pulled Curtis aside and told him that, as much as I wanted to share in the excitement, I just couldn't. I told him that I had to see Sophie to talk some things out. He gave me an encouraging nod and smile and told me that he'd relay the message to the guys.

I didn't have a car with me, so I had the hotel arrange for a limo to pick me up. I packed my bags while I waited and as soon as I had made it downstairs and settled my bill, the limo was there. I gave the driver Sophie's address and we left without further delay. I was thankful for the drive; thankful that I didn't have to concentrate on the road. I needed all the time the drive afforded me to think through exactly what I wanted to say to Sophie as well as gather all of the courage I had so that I could actually go through with what needed to be done.

We pulled up to the side of Sophie's house and I gave the driver instructions to wait for me. He seemed to be a little bothered at having to wait, but his feelings were soon soothed by the two one hundred dollar bills I placed in his hand.

I made my way to Sophie's balcony and looked in the window. Sophie was twirling in her desk chair, looking up at the ceiling, and tapping her pen to her chin. A smile came to my mouth before I could stop it. She hadn't seen me yet, so I was able to gather my composure. She reached for a book and started thumbing through it. She looked like she was deep in thought, so she jumped a little when I tapped on her door. She got up from her desk and turned her lamp off before opening the door for me.

Sophie had a glow in her eyes as she looked at me and asked, "Hey, what are doing here?"

"I just wanted to talk to you." I fixed my eyes on her computer screen, I just couldn't look her in the eyes. "Oh, were you trying to get some work done?" Maybe I could delay this conversation if she was busy.

"Yes, but I don't want to do it now. I'll do it tomorrow. It'll be easy." She said as raised up on her tiptoes to give me a kiss. I was fighting the urge to kiss her, I needed to maintain some distance, so I just bent my head slightly so she could reach.

"What is it?" I asked, trying to buy some time.

"Othello paper." She said as she plopped onto her bed. "I'm going to write about how stupid he was. I mean not stupid, per se, just… blind."

Wow, maybe fate was actually giving me an out with Sophie. The subject matter of her paper fit our situation and my feelings rather appropriately.

"Othello wasn't blind. I think he saw everything so clearly from the beginning." I said as I sat at the edge of her bed.

"You think he saw that he was going to kill Desdemonia?" She asked speculatively.

"No, I don't think he saw that." This was my chance to start to relate and apply my feelings to our relationship. "I think he just knew true happiness was unattainable to him from the beginning. He subconsciously believed their love was too good to be true." There was nothing but utter truth in my words.

"That's interesting, but I think it means exactly what I said. He was blind. It _was_ attainable." She said with such conviction.

"You've always been so hopeful about life." I said, resigning myself to starting our real conversation.

"Well then," she said moving so that she was on her knees and pressing her body against my back and letting her arms drape around my neck. "Since you know so much, I guess you know how much I missed you."

Oh, how was I going to be able to do this? I gently took hold of one of her forearms in my hands, taking a breath and preparing myself for what needed to happen next.

"Well that's what I came to talk to you about."

"Okay, talk." She said, relaxing more into me.

"Sophie," I started, moving my head so that my eyes were on the ceiling and my temple was against her forehead. "You have no idea how happy I was to see you that day we met."

"Really?" She quietly laughed, "I couldn't tell. You looked like you'd seen a ghost."

She really was quite observant. I didn't think my face betrayed my shock that day, obviously I was wrong. I turned away at that thought, trying to put some distance between us, but Sophie tightened her grip on me in response.

"Sophie, I was living in the darkest abyss possible until you came back into my life." I leaned back a bit and turned my head to look at her, trying to convey my next words so that she would understand. "Which is why I don't think this is such a good idea."

I could tell my comment shocked her. She lifted her head and looked at me as if she was looking for me to say something more, maybe she didn't quite understand.

"You are so young, Sophie." Breathe, Wes. "I have a lot of experience here, and I admit that you make me happy, but I don't think it's enough." I looked into her eyes, trying to get her to see the torment and sincerity in mine.

"What does that mean?" She asked, trying to be calm, yet I could sense she was on the verge of losing the battle.

"It means that I know where this is going, and it's not good," for either of us. "so I want to do us both a favor and spare us any more pain before we get too close." Please understand Sophie, please…

She looked at me with such pain and confusion in her eyes. Shaking her head, she said, "I have no idea what you're talking about. What are you saying?"

I stood and began walking to the door. I couldn't look back at her, I couldn't risk seeing the heartbreak on her face. Without knowing it, I said out loud, "I can't do this with you. I just can't."

Faster than I expected, she was in front of me. She had pleading eyes as she said, "What do you mean, you can't do this? You're confusing me."

She was trying to maintain eye contact with me, but I couldn't do it, I had to look away. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to confuse you. I just can't go through this again." I said quietly.

I felt her emotions rise even more. "Stop it," she demanded. "Again? What do you mean by again? We've never been through anything like this. Please just tell me what's going on."

Oh, Sophie, if you only knew…

We stood in total silence for what seemed like an eternity. She was still trying to get me to look her in the eyes.

Before I could lose my resolve, I cleared my throat and said, "I'm sorry, Sophie. I just can't be with you anymore. Not now. Not ever." I risked looking at her, trying to make her understand, pleading with my eyes.

Before I stepped out of her room, I whispered, "I'm sorry. I really am." With that, I left her room and hurried back to the limo.

I heard her gasp and repeat one single, strangled word, "Wait." It broke my heart. It hurt me to inflict such pain on her. She didn't know why I was doing this and the only explanation I had for her would sound ridiculous to her. She'd never understand and I knew that she would be able to change my mind.

If I went back to her, if I maintained any contact with her, I was certain my resolve would falter. I couldn't afford to do that to myself.

No. It was better this way. It had to be. Maybe by me breaking our relationship, I was also breaking the chain of events that I was positive would soon be following. Maybe by breaking our hearts, I was saving Sophie's life.

Those were the thoughts I needed to hold on to. No more wondering about what could have been.


	4. Art of Illusion

Disclaimer – I do not own any part of The Pace.

Chapter Four – The Art of Illusion

The limo ride home was excruciating. It felt as if I was in a self contained bubble - I didn't hear the driver humming off-tune to the radio, I didn't hear the passing cars on the freeway, I didn't even hear any horns honking. The only thing I heard was Sophie's ghostly "wait." That one word haunted my ears and took up permanent residence in my memory. The only thing I was thankful for was that I made it out of sight before she actually said it. I don't think I could have walked away from her had I seen the hurt and confusion I knew was etched on her face.

I kept my phone next to my pillow that night. I expected Sophie to call demanding to know why I said the things I did, why I tore her heart out of her chest, why I walked away. No call came, however. I really didn't know if I was thankful for that. What would I have done had she called? The only thing I could do – I'd have to ignore her. I did what I had to do, I just hoped it was enough to save both of us.

Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Sophie. Her face reflected hurt, confusion, betrayal. Her eyes begged me for answers. Answers I couldn't give because I was afraid that she wouldn't understand, or worse, she would. Soon, I couldn't tell if my eyes were open or closed – Sophie was imprinted into my eyes' memories. I don't remember when I fell asleep or if I even did sleep that night. I felt the same in the morning as I had the previous night – miserable.

The next two days managed to somehow pass, though the hours were coated in a hazy fog of misery. I went through the motions of living: going to class, doing homework, running errands, etc. I tried to keep my mind off of Sophie, but I found myself driving by her house often. It might have been my imagination, but it seemed as though the energy pulsing around her balcony was thick with grief. I could almost see Sophie droning on as though she was a robot instead of the vibrant woman she was. I knew she was just as miserable as I was, but this was how it had to be for us. There couldn't be an "us" anymore, there just couldn't.

Finally Wednesday came. I had a study group with some of my classmates and was a little too eager. I showed up at Josh's apartment twenty minutes early. I helped him set the snacks and drinks out for the study session and tried to engage him in any sort of mindless conversation. I think I scared him; I've never been terribly social during our group meetings, so my nervous energy set Josh on edge. Thankfully his girlfriend Megan showed up next. She was easier to talk to and didn't seem to mind my babbling words. Finally the rest of the group arrived and it was down to business. The material and subsequent assignment, unfortunately, was relatively easy so we sailed through everything within an hour. Everyone but Josh, Megan, and I made their hasty retreat. Josh started cleaning up, and Megan and I sat on the couch and began another casual conversation.

"Wes, what's up with you tonight? You're practically crawling out of your skin," she asked while Josh made a trip to the dumpster.

"Is it that obvious?" I asked with shock.

"In all the groups we've had, I would say you're the least talkative. Tonight, though, you were giving us all a run for our money. It's just not like you."

"No, you're right. I've got things on my mind. I'm nervous about going to class tomorrow." I stood up and started pacing aimlessly.

"You? Nervous about class? I think you're the last of us who should be nervous. You'll do fine – you know all the material already," she said, shaking her head and smiling.

"Oh, I'm not worried about the actual class. It's more that I'm nervous about seeing someone on my way to class. A girl. I just know I'm going to bump into her and I'm just not sure how I'm going to deal with it," I said, running my hand through my hair.

"Wes is having girl problems? What is this world coming to?" Josh joked as he burst back into the room. He made his way to the couch and sat next to Megan, draping his arm over her shoulder.

"Josh, stop. This has to be serious if Wes is this stressed about it," Megan gently scolded.

Then an idea struck me. Maybe Megan could give me the advice I needed. "Let me ask you something, Megan. How can I let this girl think that I've moved on? That I'm no longer interested? I don't want her to waste anymore of her time hoping for something that just is not going to happen." I tried to play it off casually, as if Sophie didn't mean anything to me.

"Ah," she said understanding. "Let me guess: you had one date with her and now she's gone all 'Fatal Attraction' on you… Totally stalking you, right?"

"Not exactly. She's young and I think she read a little too much into 'us.' She just thinks that we had something more than I can give her. I don't want to hurt her, but I don't think I'm going to be able to calmly talk to her, either."

I sat down on the couch by Megan and Josh, going through different scenarios in my mind. All of them ended in one of two ways: either me giving up and telling Sophie I was stupid to think I could be without her or me keeping my footing and breaking her heart even more. I don't think I could bear to see Sophie cry because of what I might have to say or do. I just wasn't that strong.

"Well," Megan said, bringing me out of my whirlwind of thoughts. "We could always make her think that _you've_ gotten over _her_."

Hmmm…

"What do you mean?"

"Well, do you know for sure that you'll see her tomorrow on your way to class?"

"Yes," I said without hesitation. I knew Sophie wouldn't pass up an opportunity to confront me for answers.

"Why don't we meet just before heading to our class. I'll walk with you to class and pretend to be the new girl in your life. That will hopefully get her off your back without a confrontation. That should be pretty effective, don't you think?"

Josh sat a little straighter. I could almost see his feathers ruffling. He did not particularly like this idea.

"But," he attempted to say but was interrupted by Megan.

"Oh, Josh, don't start with the jealous boyfriend bit. You know that I love you. But, I'll tell you what, if it would help you be a little more comfortable with the plan, you can walk behind us. That way, can keep your eye on Wes and make sure he's being a gentleman and not trying to _steal_ me away from you" she gave him a little nudge, a kiss on the cheek, and then whispered something in Josh's ear that actually made him blush a little.

"Yeah, okay," Josh relented. "I can see how that plan could work. Wes, go ahead. Use my girl all you want, she is at your service."

Megan tried to come across completely offended by Josh's charitable offering of her, but failed miserably. She settled for winking at Josh before nuzzling into him.

We spent the next few minutes going over the plan for tomorrow. This would be hard, but it hopefully wouldn't be as painful. Hopefully it would be the last straw for Sophie and she would let me be. I needed her to move, find someone who was more deserving of her love and her time. I knew I could be alright if she found someone who would make her happy; it would be better knowing that she was still in this world somewhere living her happily ever after versus knowing that she ceased to exist only because she stayed and loved me. Maybe my years without her could be tolerable.

I packed up my books and study notes and drove home. I checked my cell phone and saw that Sophie had called several times while I was at Josh's apartment. I checked my voicemail and found that I had seven new messages. I deleted all of the messages without listening to them. My head was filled with so many conflicting thoughts and feelings, I thought it was going to explode. I made a light dinner and ate in the living room while watching TV. My mind was still racing; I needed to force it to slow down.

I decided to swim laps to calm myself. I went upstairs, changed into my swim trunks and flip-flops and made my way to the pool. The moment I opened the door, I felt the tension melt right out of me. The air in the room felt great, so warm and comforting. I eased into the water and submerged myself. I held my breath and closed my eyes and just let myself be. The outside world was completely drowned out by the water. I was able to pretend, just for a moment, that nothing outside this room mattered, nothing else existed. I spent as much time I as I could in the water, either swimming laps, floating, or just being.

After the pool, I was going to call it a night and try to rest. I made my rounds, turning lights off and checking the alarm system. I bypassed my cell phone, seeing yet another call from Sophie would only bring more mental and emotional conflict. I made my way upstairs and entered into the study. I walked in to turn the computer and lamp off. The computer was hibernating and when I moved the mouse, it sprang to life, showing I had new email messages to review. I sifted through the emails quickly but stopped dead in my tracks when I came to the last email received. It was from Sophie. There was no subject to the email but it didn't take a genius to figure out what the email would say. I debated reading the email. Finally curiosity won and I decided to open it.

Wes,

I'm not sure what I did, but I'm sorry. I truly am. You're making it clear that you don't want to talk to me, but I refuse to believe this is how we end. Please give me some answers. Please give me _something_. I miss you.

Love,

Sophie

The message was so Sophie. It was straight to the point and filled with an innocent quest for truth. This side of her was one of the things that I loved most about her. She believed fair was fair, she was always looking for the motivation behind actions, and she was passionate enough to risk exposing her emotions and show just how vulnerable she really was, all in the name of finding the truth. She deserved better than me.

I began typing a reply. Once that was done, I typed another reply, and another. Soon, my drafts folder was filled with various responses to her email. Each message contained different explanations, trying to put my feelings and my fears into words. It was a relief to get everything out, but what good would it do Sophie? These reply messages were more for my benefit than hers. That is what ultimately made me decide not to respond – I would not email, text, call, or talk to Sophie again. I had to make a clean break and I needed to stay on track with the plan for tomorrow. I turned my computer off, leaving all of the messages in the drafts folder.

Another fitful night of sleep waited for me that night. I tossed and turned until I finally exhausted myself enough to sleep. My dreams were filled with Sophie. All aspects were explored: the happily ever after that we should have been afforded; the ending I feared would be coming for Sophie if we remained together, followed by Sophie's funeral and my future filled by a dark and endless depression; the separate lives that we were now on track to live – Sophie finding new love, marrying, having a family of her own – and me, alone, stuck living this nearly immortal life in a lonely state of isolation. At least the isolation I lived was filled with the research I needed to complete for my uncle; it was isolation without depression. I could live with that.

The next day, I got ready and headed to the college to meet Megan. I waited for Megan in the parking lot, all the while convincing myself that I could get through the next twenty minutes mentally and emotionally unscathed. I felt like a prized fighter preparing for the fight of his career. Seeing Megan pull into a parking space was a welcome relief. She radiated calm and carefree, something I was in desperate need of.

Megan walked over to me, smiled and asked, "Are you ready?"

"As ready as I can be."

"Well, then, lets get the show on the road. We'll make sure that the message is delivered and that your _friend_ understands that you have nothing to offer her anymore." Megan looped her arm through mine and transformed into a giddy, ah-struck girl. The instant change was amazing.

We approached the path that connected the parking lot to the college grounds and my heart nearly dropped to the ground. Sophie rounded the walkway that led to the path. She was looking down, which gave me a moment to gather my composure, regain my breath, and pretend to be happily walking with Megan on my arm. Sophie's footsteps seemed to almost stutter when she noticed me approaching. Her heart rate began to accelerate and I saw her change her course ever so slightly before she registered that I wasn't walking alone. Her heartbeat wavered before slowing to a nearly broken pace. Her eyes traveled from me to Megan just as Megan giggled and leaned into me. Sophie's head dropped, her eyes stared intently at the ground. She pushed her hands into her coat pockets and pushed into a quicker walking pace. We passed each other without so much as a glance, although I could sense Sophie's shock and hurt. A couple of steps later, I heard Sophie quietly utter a dejected, "thanks." Uhg, what was I doing?

When Megan and I reached the end of the path, I thanked her and told her that I thought the message was successfully delivered. I told her I would meet her in class and then I backtracked to watch Sophie leave. I had to make sure she was all right. She was almost to her Jeep by the time I made it back. Her head was still hung and her hands were still stuffed into her jacket pockets. I watched her slowly unlock and open her door, climb in, and quietly shut her door. She took a few deep breaths and looked up seemingly straight at me, though I knew she couldn't see me. I could see her eyes glistening but no tears fell. Sophie took a couple more deep breaths, shook her head slightly, and started her Jeep, pulling out of her parking spot. I peered at her as she drove by - she looked so broken, so lost.

She bought the illusion, but what would it cost Sophie? And what would it cost me?


End file.
